MORE SONGS FROM BASIC BLACK LYRICS
Sweaters for Penguins
A woman in Salt Lake City started a volunteer knitting circle to knit sweaters for penguins who had lost their own protective layer of natural oils due to oil spills in the Antarctic. It's a cult movement now. People all over the continent are knitting away, though I can't figure out why the sweaters don't drown the poor creatures when they get wet! Even though in the song I gently suggest that there might be more useful things to do with one's spare time,this ditty has become a kind of knitter's anthem since its' first broadcast.
The Ladies and I used to always do our bit-
when the boys were over there-
For the cause we all would knit-
them socks and underwear-
Well it's been a trifle slow-
since they all came home you know-
But now we've found something new to show we really care!
We're making....
Sweaters For Penguins!
It does wonders for their self esteem,
Sweaters For Penguins!
In the colours of their favourite hockey team
Sweaters For Penguins!
Everybody shout hooray!
You wanna have some nice clothes
Sitting on those ice floes-
Sweaters for penguins today!
Sweaters For Penguins!
So life for them won't be so black and white,
Sweaters For Penguins!
So they'll feel less formal going out at night-
Sweaters For Penguins!
Everybody shout hooray!
The world will be better
When every penguin has a sweater
Knit a Sweater For a Penguin today!
Some spend all their efforts fighting hunger and disease-
some devote their time to saving whales or hugging trees-
We feel that those endeavors have volunteers enough-
So we work to keep poor penguins from remaining in the buff--
Sweaters For Penguins!
With V-Necks that fit over their beaks,
Sweaters for Penguins,
Or a Cardigan is so Antarctic Chic!
Sweaters For Penguins
'Cause it gets pretty cold down there,
Sweaters For Penguins!
They need good British wool to wear,
Sweaters For Penguins!
Everybody shout hooray!
And maybe matching slippers
for their chilly little flippers
Knit a sweater for a penguin today!
Donut Life
Arthur had a guest on who had done a learned study about the Canadian Donut shop culture. I have often thought that the donut was a perfect metaphor for modern life- so here's my little timbit of a musical contribution:
Donut boys, donut girls,
Rolling around in a donut world.
Empty in the middle, soft outside,
Lardy lard it's a donut life.
Nothing in our donut brains
But Maple Dips and Old-fashioned Plains;
All I wanna do every donut day,
Is Apple-fritter it all away,
I don't care if the planet's dyin'
Just give me a raised Hawaiian,
Walnut Crullers, Boston Cream,
Dream our little donut dreams,
We all like to spend our days,
Walking around in a chocolate glaze,
Ain't we cute, now we're all sportin'
Doughy little bellies from Timothy Horton.
Five Penis Wine
Look, I don't make this stuff up, OK? There is apparently a kind of wine in China made from the penises of five different animals. That seemed pretty songworthy to me!
You've got that special lady, oh-
Sinatra's on the radio-
the moon is bright,
the mood's just right,
the stars are all aligned..
Romance is in the air,
Perfume is in her hair,
You think it might
be your lucky night
but what about the wine?
Merlot has quite a fine bouquet,
Likewise Bordeaux and cabernet,
Rose goes well with candlelight-
But nothing says Amore like...
Five Penis Wine,
Five Penis Wine,
There's nothing finer,
It comes all the way from China,
It's the fruit of a different vine,
Nothing says love quite like Five Penis Wine.
Fermented genitalia,
Will cure whatever ails ya..
don't hesitate,
Impress your date,
With something from your cellar,
that's made from dog and sheep and snake,
and ox and horse, make sure she takes
a good long sip,
and soon her lips
will make you a happy feller...
Last Call At The Cyber Saloon
There's a website that you can visit that lets you watch other people drink in pubs all around the world. For ten bucks you can even buy someone there a beer and they might even talk to you on-line. Somethingto do while knitting penguin sweaters I guess.
I used to think I was a loser,
I thought that I lived my life wrong;
A solitary boozer,
Till beer.com came along.
Now I've found a way of escaping
Those long lonely nights in my room,
Now I just go netscaping,
Down at the Cyber Saloon.
Last Call down at the Cyber Saloon,
Everyone's feeling all right,
Download one last virtual brew,
We've shared many RAMs of good memory tonight.
They called me an internet junkie,
They called me a nerdy freak.
It was just me and my sea monkeys,
Alone, every night of the week.
But now I know I'll never be bored,
My wallflower days are at an end,
Long as I don't spill beer on my keyboard,
I've always got friend.
Tonight I took an on-line trip,
To a pub on the Emerald Isle,
We shared a pint and some micro-chips,
And exchanged dot parenthesis smiles.
I heard old drunken men swapping stories,
And I winked at a girl with red hair,
When I spoke to her she just ignored me,
Just as if I was actually there!
So thank God and Bill Gates and the World Wide Web,
For this lonesome guy's re-birth.
Don't get a life get a modem , then ev-
ery geek shall inherit the earth!
Gypsy Sock
I wrote this song way back in 1992, but never got around to recording it until now. It was recorded by my friend and family entertainer hero Al Simmons, and Arthur has played Al's version a loton the show. The song seems to have been partially responsible for the sock craze that swept basic Black recently.
I don't like being worn,
That's all I've been since I was born,
Toenails cut like a knife,
It's a sad sock's life,
I don't wanna be stuffed in a drawer,
Or stuck in someone's smelly shoe anymore,
I don't want a sticky foot in me,
I just want to be free, free, free.
I want to run with the wild hose,
Where pens and pencils and guitar picks go,
I want to dance at the free sock hop,
I want to be a gypsy sock
I don't want to be part of a pair,
Or in the wash with dirty underwear,
Or tickled by some yucky toes,
Or made to walk where socks don't like to go,
Like hanging from a line by my heel,
Or getting darned , I hate the way that feels,
Or getting stretched across a knobby knee,
I want to be free, free, free
Gypsy sock, gypsy sock, I want to be a Gypsy sock.
Someday soon I'll get my chance,
I will hide inside a pair of pants,
When they open up the dryer door,
I'll escape across the laundry floor,
Then I'll be out on the street,
Not attached to a pair of feet,
Free as the nose that blows,
I will be free to go
Arthur's Lonely Sock Club
I told you there was a sock craze. Arthur asked listeners to think of what he could do with all the songs sent in to the show. This was my reply.
Well Arthur's Lonely Sock Club was getting overwhelmed,
They had socks up to their knees,
So our brave leader, Arthur Black, at the helm,
Begged his listeners, "Stop Please"-
"Our sock collection just grows and grows
It's time that we should-
think of ways to use this surfeit hose
To do the world some good-
Arthur's Lonely Socks
He's got millions of 'em
Arthur's Lonely Socks
Can save the day
Arthur's Lonely Socks
We all love 'em
With Arthur's Lonely socks the world will be OK
A huge and deadly oil spill was heading for the coast
And threatening the salmon fish stocks
To the rescue came our superhero radio host-
Arthur Black just sopped it up with socks!
Scientists looked up into the cold Antarctic sky-
And found the ozone layer had a big hole in it-
To the rescue came our Lonely Sock club guy-
Those socks filled up that hole in a minute!
Jean Chretien was touring the middle east last week,
And everyday was saying something ill-advised-
What can we do? They cried, to make sure that famous mouth doesn't speak-
Arthur sent them an emergency supply!
The Red River was rising like it seems to every spring
They were evacuating towns for miles and miles-
Arthur said "I'll save you folks, for I have just the thing-
He made a dam out of a thousand old argyles...
Bring Back The Stubby
Two beer songs on this album! And two cheese songs! If we had some crackers we could have a real party!
Me and the boys were sharing a brew
And some meaningful conversation;
We were drinking both kinds, Canadian and Blue,
As we pondered the fate of our nation.
We came to the realization,
That life here had gotten much worse,
Since they altered our favourite libation,
Hence the chorus that follows this verse:
Bring back the Stubby, Bring back the Stubby,
And the days when a beer was a beer.
Ever since long necks,
things have gone wrong, heck
It's just not the same around here.
It don't take no Aristotle,
Or Einstein to surmise,
That since those good old stubby bottles
Met their untimely demise,
Things have pretty much gone straight to ruin,
Co-incidence, I don't think so!
They didn't know what they were doin',
Messing with our favourite drinks, oh
Chorus:
Things started going to hell,
As soon as our bottles got taller,
Too many teams in the NHL,
Not enough sense in our dollar.
Mulroney , Chretien, GST and Free Trade,
This country is done like dinner,
None of this would have happened
If they hadn't made,
Those cute stubby bottles thinner!
Line Dancers from Outer Space
This is from a story related to Arthurby Tabloid-guy Harold Fisk, so you know it must be true!
We landed in Des Moines
We'd been ordered to join
In and learn the earthlings ways-
Our great leader had stated
We should be assimilated-
Before we make the humans our slaves--
We perfected the lingo-
We learned to play bingo,
We got jobs preparing fast food ( "Want fries with that")
Though we were reluctant to try it-
We adopted their diet
Of donuts and barbecue.
Things went quite well,
Though we could soon tell,
What we needed, to fit in just right-
We must master the art
Most dear to their hearts-
Line-dancing on Saturday nights.
We heard that the best in
Line-dancing lessons
Was one Miss Beverley Trout,
We went to her class
Thinking any half-assed
Dancing alien could figure it out.
All in a line,
We were doing just fine.
We danced to Reba and Billy-Ray
( but maybe cuz we )
didn't have enough toes,
We didn't wear the right clothes-
Something gave us away-
She said "OK- you've got the boots
And nice new western suits-
But one thing is perfectly clear-
Maybe it's cuz you're blue,
And you got three eyes, but you,
Just don't look like you're from around here-
Maybe 'cause our necks were not really red
Ok- so we didn't have necks-
But whatever it was Beverley stopped us and said
"Boys" your cover is wrecked!
We slipped out in the dark
To our ship at the Trailer Park
We blasted back in to space-
And that's how a line-dancing instructor from Iowa,
Saved the human race....
Dear Mr. Guinness
Arthur had a guest on talking about world records, and it occurred to me that there were a number of categories that the Guinness people had left out..
Dear Mr. Guinness
I read your whole book;
There's some good stuff in it,
But when I looked,
Most of it really just wasn't for me,
Here's the kind of world records that I'd like to see:
The most splendid afternoon,
The most often-whistled tune,
The first to break the four-minute smile.
The most fleeting glance,
The baggiest pants,
The hem line that's the most out of style.
The tidiest desk,
The wildest guess,
The littlest hobo and the biggest surprise,
The poorest excuse,
The callowest youths,
The whitest wash and the cleverest disguise.
The fullest cup,
The hardest up,
The softest down and the longest......pause.
The shyest kiss,
The nearest miss,
The best intention and the lostest cause.
The luckiest break,
The moistest cake,
The biggest chance ever taken;
The furthest thought,
The man who brought
Home the most bacon
What about:
the widest margin, the most unlikely romance,
the biggest regret, the most frivolous remark,
the most eye-opening revelation, the most impish grin,
The most remarkable evening, the closest to the truth,
the likeliest suspect, the feeblest gesture,
the simplest explanation, the brightest idea,
the slimmest premise, the most breath-taking view,
the most delightful way, the smoothest ride ,
the loneliest sound , the shortest attention span,
The very best old time , the friendliest face,
the bluest eyes, the very best effort,
the most exquisite taste, the slowest response,
the dearest heart, the most definitive answer,
the most sudden realization , the biggest compromise,
the most unexpected thing, the best kept secret,
the very latest craze, the earliest warning,
the most words crammed into a verse!
The wittiest retort,
The funniest annual report,
The friendliest game of checkers.
The most sincere apology,
I think that all of these,
Should be in the Guinness book of world records!
Headless Chicken Day
Yes, It's a real day in a real town that needs to get a life!
Down in Farita Colorado in the USA-
There's a famous chicken there-
He lost his head to an ax, they say-
But that broiler didn't care-
He jumped right off that chopping block
And went happily on his way
For four more years he kept on rockin'
Now he has his very own day...
Let's have a celebration-
For that chicken who was such an inspiration,
Cuz if you can survive decapitation,
you can laugh your cares away.
With just a little bit of luck it's
possible to you won't kick the Colonel's bucket-
Altogether now, everybody cluck it!
It's Headless Chicken Day-
Hooray-- it's Headless chicken day...
When your life gets a little too crazed-
And it feels like all to often-
that you're spending all your days-
Like a chicken with your head cut off-then
It's time for you to remember-
That plucky little pullet-
Who had his cranium dismembered-
But still dodged the grim reapers bullet!
St. Albert
When I first performed this song, some of the good folks in St. Albert complained that I accused their town of being flat. At least I tried not to sing it flat.
If you never heard o'
St. Albert Alberta,
Just listen to my song-
It's a place I bet-
You won't forget-
Until the next place comes along--
St. Albert, St. Albert, I bet there ain't,
Many places better, named after a saint-
Saint Albert, Saint Albert, it's reasonably decent,
Of all the places I've been to it is the most recent...
It's not as small as it seems-
It's got international cuisine-
that you wouldn't want to miss-
Like Macdonald's - yes they've got it-
I think that it's Scottish-
And a nice Chalet that is Swiss...
And yes there's shopping-- shop-till-ya-drop shopping-
And lots of other things to do too , like.......
-- did I mention shopping?
It's not quite so quiet-
As people claim, why it's
Even made the headlines-
A few times- I could list them-
but I basically missed them...
Hey- I was working to a deadline-
St. Albert himself was a pretty nice feller-
the patron saint of automatic bank tellers
Late last December.
I'll always remember
Someone ran over my cat-
No one could help her,
she was just like St.Albert,
she was cold and she was flat.
Cheezies
One of Arthur's guests nominated the lowly but apparently Canadian 'Cheezie' as the"Food of the Millennium".
You know that people say,
That at New Year's Y2K-
There'll be panic in the streets-
When the computers all go down,
Chaos will surround
Us, we'll all be scrambling for some food to eat.
But please do not dismay,
If you stock up today-
On a food that could withstand a nuclear attack-
You will be OK-
In those post-apocalyptic days-
With a good Canadian starch-based exploded snack!
Life will be easy
Cause we'll be eating Cheezies,
For Breakfast , lunch and dinner yum yum yum....
What could be better-
Munching on puffed cheddar-
the food of the Millennium...
When the lights go out-
We'll have nothing to whine about-
'cause Cheezies even glow in the dark-
And the shelf-life of that cheese-
Is a couple centuries-
And they float so you could use them to build an Ark-
With Tartrazine and MSG
Sulphites, Acids, BHT-
You will get a balanced modern diet-
Sugar, Salt, Starch and Fat-
Why would you need more than that?
And those tasty Disodium Phosphates you should try it!
It's Canadian, It's Orange it's
Much tastier than porridge- it's
The food of the Millennium
Cheese Suite
A performance artist was interviewed on the show who covered a hotel room entirely in cheese, and he wasn't even in Wisconsin. Obviously one cannot writetoo many songs about cheese . ( I have 4!)
Me and my one and only-
Were feeling romantically inclined,
I said "my cute little Provolone,
Tonight will you be mine?"
We dashed straight down to the Hilton,
With the Honeymoon Suite in Mind.
The manager said "if you like Stilton,
I'd recommend Room Two-Oh-Nine"
'Cause It's our special Cheese Suite-
Where all the Dairy Devotees meet,
All the Monterey Jacks and Jills come to Party-
In a Garden of Edam, Mozzarella and Havarti-
To share a night of bliss,
Surrounded by Romano and Swiss,
How happy you would Brie-
If you rent our Room Of Cheese.
There's nothing quite as nice as-
A room where you can get a-
Sheet made from Kraft Slices-
Or A Waterbed filled with Feta-
There's jarlsburg on the ceiling,
and Rochefort on the wall,
And nothing's more appealing,
Than a rug of emanthol,
Before you bid fondue-
You'll agree that there's no better-
Romantic rendezvous,
Than in a room filled up with Cheddar
We Spawn and We Die
There is a place in British Columbia where you can pay real Canadian dollars to swim with salmon. This led me to ponder the similarities between salmon and people, though I got mail from marine biologists who did not agree with me.
We work more than we should-
We struggle and strive-
To make something good
Out of our little lives;
No matter how big we dream,
No matter how hard we try-
Life's all swimmin' upstream-
We just spawn and we die-
We spawn and we die-
We spawn and we die-
We're just like the salmon
We spawn and we die-
Though we don't always want to
Still we spend our days lookin'
For something to hang on to-
like bait on a hook, and
Life reels us in-
It strings us a line-
We lose and we win-
We just spawn and we die--
The river of life-
Is filled with rapids and dams, and
we fuss and we fight-
Just like those poor salmon-
With all our hopes and our wishes-
I wonder, are you and I -
Any better than fishes?
we just spawn and we die..
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