ROAD KILL HAT -- CD song lyrics.
All songs by James Gordon ©Pipe Street Publishing
1. Road Kill Hat
2. Pouches for Wombats
3. Stage Fright
4. A Canadian Heritage Minute
5. Pity The Poor Apostrophe
6. Polar Bear Ball
7. You're A Boomer
8. Come On Arthur, Give It A Try!
9. The Old Songwriter
10. It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
11. Toad In A Can
12. I'm Wearing Rover Now
1. Road Kill Hat ©2001 James Gordon
Got a Road Kill Hat, Got a Road Kill Hat,
Made from something good and dead and flat;
Got a Road Kill Hat, Got a Road Kill Hat,
I'm so happy that, I got a road kill hat.
When I need un beau chapeau I like to skin a hide made
From something that I recently have scraped off of the highway,
Who can resist this trendy cranial attire,
A mixture of fur and automobile tire
Chorus:
My neighbour told me that she thought my brand new hat was pretty,
I said that she should recognize it , cause it was her kitty!
I know a clever feller made a beautiful sombrero,
From a mexican chihuahua that he hit with his Camaro!
Chorus:
I've always liked my headwear with a tail hangin' on it-
A little bunnie's nice to make a lovely easter bonnet!
See that nice fat muscrat there, both ways he did not look,
Throw him on the manifold, by the time you're home he's cooked!.
So ya wanna try something nice-
Please take my advice,
Try raccoon or porcupine or a little thumper,
There's something to be said,
for wearin' something on your head,
That spent it's last moment looking at your bumper,
Got a Road Kill Hat, Got a Road Kill Hat,
And a rug made from my old hound, we called him "Mat"-
Got a Road Kill Hat, Got a Road Kill Hat,
I'm so happy that, I got a road kill hat.
Well fancy that, I gotta road kill hat.
2. Pouches For Wombats ©2001 James Gordon
All you Penguin Sweater Knitters-
It is time for you to Quit yer
Generosity it knew no bounds-
Every penguin's been outfitted-
with the little gems you knitted,
Not a single naked penguin can be found!
But don't you put your wool away,
For the news has come today
Get your needles at the ready, duty calls!
Time to head back into combat-
Knitters we must help the wombat
Those adorable marsupials!
It seems that those cute Wombat Babies
are often orphaned, they be-
Come quite helpless with no mothers pouch to lie in-
But scientists say that if you take one,
And put them in a knitted fake one,
You can save that little critter from dyin'.
If you liked knitting penguin sweaters,
Here's a job that's even better-
A way to show our friends down under that we care-
Don't be a pomme de terre du couch
Knit a wombat a nice pouch-
A new meaning to the term " Down Under Wear"--
Whether it's common or hairy-nosed-
Either one of those,
Would be greatful for your fashionable creation.
The patterns really nothin,
A warm pocket to curl up in,
Is a perfect orphan wombat habitation
Now it's time to cast -on girls
Knit pearl knit pearl knit pearl knit pearl-
And show that when it comes to good deeds you're no slouches,
Help that lovable marsupial mammalia,
From the south of old Australia
Let's start knitting those Wombat Pouches!
3. Stage Fright © James Gordon 2000
You're getting hot and shaky-
Your mouth is dry and flaky-
You feel like you need a trachee-
otomy
You know that everyone is staring
You're up there in your underwear
Your heartbeat isn't where
it outa be
And You wonder What horrible disease you got
Then you realize Oh No Please NOt!
Stage Fright! AHHHHHHH!
Stage Fright- though Your fears are irrational-
Stage Fright- you feel like you are a national
disaster
Stage Fright-It's your very worst dream- and
Stage Fright You've got too many demons
to master
IF your heart beats any faster
you'll explode! You know -- Oh!
You got stage Fright
Well your head starts to pound-
It feels like it 's 6 feet around-
ANd your voice starts to sound
kinda squeeky.
You get the urge to run-
In more ways than one-
YOur orifices have become
Kinda leaky...
more painful than organ removal-
the fear of peer's disapproval-
Stage Fright! AHHHHH!
Scarier than dental surgery
Scarier than big bank mergery
IT gives you the urge to re
-locate to a desert island
Your senses all are rioting
You've got that high anxiety
Feel like dropping out of society
But keep smilin'-
Cuz everyone's looking at you-
You must never let them know that you've
got stage fright! AHHHH!
4. A Canadian Heritage Minute © James Gordon 2001
For millenniums the natives here had peace and they had quiet
Till the Europeans came to supplement their fishy diet
And they settled first in Newfoundland and through the Maritimes
And they arrived in ships just like the one that's on the back of dimes.
And for many years the French were always squabbling with the Brits,
They had a battle on the Plains of Abraham to settle it;
For a little while after that folks all behaved themselves,
In fact it seemed a little dull until the War of 1812.
Then there were a couple decades that went by in quite a blur,
While the west was being mapped by burly men in search of fur;
Then in 1837 a rebellion started which
Was led by those who thought that things should not be run by just the rich!
Meanwhile folks were immigrating here by countless scores
This didn't feel like just a British colony, not anymore!
So in 1867 old Sir John said "We're a nation!"
At a party down in Charlottetown they called Confederation.
After that the new Canadians did pretty well,
Right till 1885 when they were bothered by Riel,
In this fair land they built a railroad and most everybody liked it-
They shouted "Yeah!" as Gordon Lightfoot drove in the last spike-- it
Was a new century, Laurier said that it was ours,
A couple wars , a great depression and a few pop stars,
Of course this country has a lot more history still in it-
But that's all that we can fit into this heritage Minute!
5. Pity The Poor Apostrophe © James Gordon 2001
I pity the poor apostrophe,
Its misuse is quite a disgrace.
Its a grammatical catastrophe,
The way its so often misplaced
If you are missing a letter, then use it-
If you make a word plural, do NOT-
Don't wear it out, don't abuse it-
It's the best punctuation mark we've got..
At the Apostrophe Protection Society,
We value grammatical propriety
Correct use of the apostrophe
We figure it has got to be
Worthy of preservation
It's the basis of our civilization.
So many grammatical errors
But so few proper rules to remember
The way English is mangled strikes terror
In the hearts of our diligent members.
There's the much neglected adverb
Its absence makes the language real lame.
And for adjectives we just use bad words,
And to me that's such a frigging shame.
Chorus:
Good grammar, we're in its defense-
It's very close to extinct
The idiomatic future is tense
Though the past is not perfect, we thinked.
When you leave out a nice preposition
When a verb is not aptly declined
It is our stated supposition
That society is undermined
6. The Polar Bear Ball ©James Gordon 2000
All you polar bears come and gather round,
Time to catch the next ice flow,
And Head on down to Churchill town,
It's party time you know-
Cause the tourists they're all coming back
Like we knew they would,
Delicious and nutritious snacks-
Oooh they taste so good
We'll dance all night
Beneath the Northern Lights
At the good old Polar Bear Ball
It's a pretty good deal.
Like Meals on wheels.
When the tourists come to Churchill in the fall
No bear knows just why they come,
On this annual migration,
But we are grateful for this fun
Just before our hibernation,
They like to hang around the dump,
So we all go there too,
Get one that is nice and plump,
There is less to chew
CHORUS:
We love those Americans
They're the best to eat-
Get past those parkas there you can
Find lots of extra meat.
They like us cuz we're soft and white,
That's why we like them too.
I had one from Wisconsin kind of like
A lumpy cheese fondue
We'll dance all night
Beneath the Northern Lights
At the good old Polar Bear Ball
It's a pretty good deal.
Like Meals on wheels.
When the tourists come to Churchill
When the tourists come to Churchill
When the tourists come to Churchill in the fall
7. You're a Boomer ©James Gordon 2000
Flower Power has lost it's bloom-
Now it's more a baby whimper than a baby Boom:
If you're feeling a little draggy
and your butt's a little saggy-
You keep your teeth in a baggy-
You're a boomer-
If your body parts are droopy-
You're a Richard Simmons Groupie
And your favourite meal is soup we
know you're a boomer...
When your body starts to burgeon
with bits not even plastic surgeons
Can find a way to purge then
your'e a boomer.
When there's not a single diet-
That you have yet to try it's-
True you really can't deny it-
you're a boomer-
If you're thicker in the middle , but thinner on the top-
If everything except your weight has dropped,
Then it's time to confirm your worst nightmare, it's
Time to face the facts-- you've become your parents!
You're a boomer!
If you are in denial,
And you wished that the clock turned back,
The last time you were in style,
Michael Jackson was black!
When you hang a little lower
And you move a little slower
If you own a riding mower
You're a boomer...
When your muscles all have softened
And you pee a lot more often,
and your game's a little off then,
You're a boomer...
If you're thicker in the middle , but thinner on the top-
If everything except your weight has dropped,
Then it's time to confirm your worst nightmare, it's
Time to face the facts-- you've become your parents!
You're a boomer!
When your friends ask you "are you getting any? "-
And you think they are talkin' bout sleep-
When you hear an easy-listening John Denver Medley,
It tends to make you weep....
You spend money by the fistful
And you feel a little wistful
About the things in life you missed , wul
You're a boomer
If you think this song is funny
And you actually paid money
For the CD version, Honey
You're a boomer
8. Come On Arthur Give It A Try ©James Gordon 2000
Life's too short for you to doddle-
Come on Arthur give it a try!
We need you for our role model-
Come on Arthur give it a try!
No point leaving your keester parked-
Live a little- Life's a lark!
You'll like swimming with those sharks!
Come on Arthur, Come on give it a try! (come on give it a try )
Don't be so shy- (Don't be so shy-)
You only live once my friend-
So why not live it on the edge?
Come on give it a , come on give it a, come on give it a try
See, it's easy taming lions!
Come on Arthur give it a try
Adda Boy you're doing fion-
Come on Arthur give it a try
That little cliff is not so high-
YOu were born to hang glide!
Art'll do it-- he's our guy!
Come on Arthur , Come on Give it a try!
Don't be so shy- (Don't be so shy-)
You only live once my friend-
So why not live it on the edge?
Come on give it a , come on give it a, come on give it a try
Take the stairs up the C.N.Tower
Come on Arthur give it a try!
Drive in Toronto in Rush Hour!
Come on Arthur give it a try!
Life for you can be a hoot-
If you chase it in full pursuit-
Strap on that Parachute!
Come on Arthur, come on give it a try!
Don't be so shy- (Don't be so shy-)
You only live once my friend-
So why not live it on the edge?
Come on give it a , come on give it a, come on give it a try
9. The Old Songwriter ©James Gordon 2000
It was way back in Two Thousand Thirteen
At the home for retired celebrities
The old songwriter would reminisce-
He'd sing a song that went something like this-
Do you remember the good old days-
Way back with Arthur Black-
Before a computer took my job away
And the CBC gave me the sack....
In those good years before that machine came along
No one could top him for humorous songs,
About Penguins and Wombats and Road Kill Hats-
That new comic-song software soon ended all that--
CH
That damn computer had style it had wit-
And millions of funny rhymes stored inside it-
It wrote songs cheaper and it wrote songs faster
Soon the old songwriter was put out to pasture...
Gigabytes loaded with rib-tickling puns
It's clever retorts were second to none.
It was droll, it was clever, it was cute- it was wry -
And it was finished by Monday, the songwriter cried!
Ch
But now when he sings there's a harmony part-
He's been joined in the home by his good old friend Art
They sing together, and they offer a toast-
To their old show that now has a digital host-
10. It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days ©James Gordon 2001
Way out here in Banff Alberta
There's a place you might a heard-a
Where we're trying to preserve bear's habitat.
We wanted an exhibit
For the tourist folks to visit
But we soon discovered that--
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
It seems that in their toilet habits
They are more discreet than rabbits
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
Why you'd think with all those berries
That they eat it would be very
Simple just to find a patch and then go to it...
And you might guess that you could
Find a lot out in the woods
Cuz everybody says that's where bears do it..
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
You'd think those steamy piles
Could be smelled for many miles
but It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
We can't figure where it went ,
All that grizzly excrement
Oh but we have got a theory about those bears
We think that after dark
They are sneeking into parks
And they're using the outhouses there.
But It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
You can hang around the dumps
Looking for those fragrant lumps
But It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
Finally one day in hot pursuit
I stepped in something with my boot
And I recognized what I had in a minute.
Tourists wear bells around their necks
To keep those bears in check,
And I could see that precious poop had bells right in it!
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
It's the truth I sing to you
It's hard to get that bear doo doo
It's Hard To Find Good Bear Scat These Days
11. Toad In A Can ©James Gordon 2001
Tired of that same old dog food
Tired of that same old stuff--
Gotta come up with something new
cuz Rover , he has had enough
Of that boring hum-drum everyday doggie diet-
We'll here's something new from France and you should try it-
It's Toad In A Can, Toad In A Can-
Best food for the best friend of man;
Better than beans, better than ham,
Best food there am, it's Toad in a Can.
A different kind of pet food,
when the food's also the pet!
Any money, I will bet you
That's as good as food can get!
You're dog is sure to love it when you give it
Something from a can that's alive and says "Ribbet!"
It's Toad In A Can, Toad In A Can-
Best food for the best friend of man;
Better than beans, better than ham,
Best food there am, it's Toad in a can.
Tasty and nutritious too,
The lastest dans chien cuisine neuveau
He'll jump right out and sing a song for you-
"Hello my baby, hello my honey , hello my ragtime gal-
It is a pretty good deal,
When you get a singing meal!
No use sittin' round and mopin yer
Next friend could be found with a can opener
It's Toad In A Can, Toad In A Can-
Best food for the best friend of man;
Better than beans, better than ham,
Best food there am, it's Toad in a can.
I'm Wearing Rover Now ©2001 James Gordon
Rover was on the last of his four legs
He could not roll over, and he couldn't beg
He'd done his last trick, he had fetched his last stick,
Soon he'd be pushing up clover, 'cause rover was sick
I'm wearing Rover now,
I'm wearing Rover now,
he didn't get better
So I knit a sweater
From that good old pet,
I know I won't forget
him 'cause
I'm wearing Rover now,
I'm wearing Rover now,
Since his dog days are over
I made a pullover
From Rover
And he's all over me now
We needed something to remember him by
We thought about stuffing that noble canine
But we took a look at that dying Irish Setter
And we realized that he'd make a great sweater
chorus:
When your poodle has breathed it's last bad breath, then
Turn him into a nice shawl,
Make an afghan from your afghan,
When you're cold it'll come when you call!
Chorus