SONGS FROM BASIC BLACK lyrics

all songs ©James Gordon 1999 Pipe Street Publishing

The Humline Song

Busted flat in Baton Rouge,

West Virginia,

With a dollar in my hand.

I'm sitting in a railway station,

Waitin for a train,

I'm not sleepy and there ain't no place I'm going to ,

Take me home, where the music's playin'.

Home, where the deer and the antelope play,

I'm the train they call the City Of New Orleans,

Where I'm bound I can't tell,

But the good times they're all gone,

And I'll follow the sun.

And then I looked around me,

At those grey walls that surround me,

And all ready I'm so lonesome I could cry-

I've looked at love from both sides now,

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,

Well it's hard, but it's harder to ignore it,

The answer my friend, it's blowin' in the wind,

And Rock-a-bye sweet Baby James.

Trust Your Local Mechanic

Hey Bob, come on right in,

Tell me, how long has it been,

Since your last tune-up in the shop..?

Let's have a look underneath your hood,

Say, you're looking pretty good,

Though I see your spare tire has dropped...

Your hoses are leaking,

Your gears are all creaking,

Your valves and pumps are a little weak,

And the levels are down on all your guages..

But Hey Bob, you don't need to panic,

You can trust your local mechanic,

What you've got here is middle-age!

There's a bit of wear and tear

On your joints and bearings way down there,

Bob, I'm putting on the gloves

now don't be shocked;

If you don't mind I'll get the boys,

To put your chassis up on the hoist,

We'll see if your tail-pipe is blocked.

Though your spark plugs still spark

your battery's running low,

And with these old lines you'll find

your fluids don't flow,

Quite the way they used,

I'll get the cables out and boost ya,

But you can't run full throttle

On these older models,

Piece of the Moon

Too many stresses,

Too many messes,

Too many lesses

And not enough mores;

Tired of life's glitches,

The snags and the hitches,

It never riches

But it poors.

But I'm not worried, 'cause

I got a piece of the moon,

And I figure I'll head up there soon,

And lead me a life that's a little more ethereal,

'Cause I got this deed from an old box of cereal,

Leave this sad old world behind,

Go up and claim what is mine,

Thanks to Nabisco,

I think that I'll just go

And live on my piece of the moon.

Too many problems,

No way to solve them,

This world's revolvin'

Too fast;

But up there in space,

I've got a place,

Where if you run the human race,

You won't come in last...

Picture me there

In the cool lunar air,

On a rare Earthlit night.

Moonbeams and dreams,

Shreddies and cheese

That would be the life!

Dear Rover

Dear Rover, it's all over,

In the morning I expect you to be gone-

I won't quibble-

Keep all the kibble-

And that plastic carrot you liked chewing on.

Though I tried so hard to make it work between us -dog gone it -

Everything that was important to me you peed on it!

Dear Rover, It's all over-

'Cause time and time again I begged you please-

To do something

About your leg humpin'

And to get treatment for your worms and ticks and fleas.

I thought that what we had was more than only Puppy Love-

When I reached out to you all that you did was eat my glove!

Dear Rover ,it's all over,

I've grown weary of those bitches you drag home;

Though I adored you,

That Labrador who

Lives around the corner's gettin' all your bones.

Though I appreciated it when you'd bring me dead squirrels,

It's time that I moved on to try relationships with girls!

Dear Rover, it's all over,

I'm only human and your only hound-

I'd take you for walkies,

But we never talked we'd

Only bark- I'm taking you back to the pound.

Nathan and Marjorie

Nathan and Marjorie

Lived on a farm in Stoney Creek

They were happy as you get to be

If you live in Ontario

But as the years went by they found

The city was growing up around them

Nathan said "I feel surounded,

Guess it's time to go."

They found a place out in B.C.

Where they could live their life in peace

and harmony.

But Nate found leaving pretty hard,

He said "This place and this old barn

are part of me".

He said "My grandad built this barn,

It was the heart of this old farm,

And Marj now what would be the harm

In taking it along?"

So they numbered every board and beam

And took it down so carefully

Soon Marjorie and Nathan's dream

Was up the road and gone.

Across the Burlington Skyway

They headed up the highway

With their precious load.

"Hey look out there, I'll be darned,

It's a truck that's carrying a barn,

And it's going down the road".

Farmers waved as it went past,

They'd say "that barn was built to last,

And I'd say that it is the fastest

Barn I've ever seen".

At night when it was getting dark,

They'd find a place where they could park,

Then out behind the barn they'd spark

Just like when they were teens.

Heading west they drove through towns

Where crowds would always gather round

To see that truck bump up and down

In a new kind of barn dance

Around the lakes , and through the prairies,

Over the Rockies they were carried,

To the Saltspring Island ferry

on a nation-wide romance.

Now Nathan and Marjorie,

Live ever after happily

And a good long life we wish them-

But I imagine when they die,

There'll be a barn up in the sky,

'Cause they will take it with them.

Generic Singing Eulogy

Fill in the blanks with information about your own dearly departed.

Here lies the body of Arthur Black,

Taken from us suddenly by a

heart attack.

Died at the age of seventy-six,

We know that Arthur Black

will be missed.

He was the loving husband of Blondie,

Also the father of Art Junior and Monty.

Beloved grandfather of Daisy and Spike,

By all who new him ,

Arthur Black, was well liked.

Known to his family and

friends as just Art,

He lived a full like until

boom went his heart.

After retiring from the CBC,

He was well known for his

work with a squeegie

Arthur Black, we will never forget.

He leaves behind a legacy of debt,

All through his life,

Arthur Black brought us joy,

So this eulogy ends with

his favourite song,

Danny Boy.

The Dolphins are Leaving This Place

Maybe it was turning the oceans into sewers,

Maybe it was Disney World,

Maybe it was Martha Stewart

Or maybe those Spice Girls.

Maybe those tuna nets and tourist boats

Were the last straw for us,

Or those oil spills that made us throw

Our flippers up in disgust;

But we can no longer stand it,

We've had it with the human race,

You're too stupid to share our planet,

The dophins are leaving this place.

No one really knows how come

We became such sad cetations;

Maybe the lack of a prehensile thumb

Was the source of our frustration,

Maybe it was hearing Celine Dion

Just a little too often,

Or watching helplessly as this Earth we're on

Became so Microsoftened.

All of your atrocities

Are too numerous to mention,

Now that you have trashed the sea

We're leaving this dimension.

Maybe some day we'll be back,

If you clean up your act,

We'll lead guided dolphin tours through

Your houses and we'll ride on you!

Wooden Car

His Grandfather said when Max sat on his knee,

Here's how to make a proud Gramps out of me-

Remember these words and remember them good-

"Nothing's made right if it's not made of wood"

Well some people they dream about being a star-

But Max here would dream about building a car-

And when he built his dream it was mighty unique-

It's built from Mahogony and trimmed with Teak!

From St.Bride's to Cook's Harbour and all round the Island

You see Max go by and it sets you to smilin'

The times are still hard and the fishin's no good-

But Max Barrett's got a car made out of wood!

From bumper to bumper from the roof to the floor- he's

Made it as strong as his grandfather's dory-

The dashboard is really a board and you see

The trunk it is made from the trunk of a tree

It's faster than a pine tree but it's pretty slow-

No metal to put the pedal to- oh

The gas mileage is good but he's getting her geared up

So he can run her on pure Maple Syrup

Your Chysler's , your Hondas,

your Ford's and GM's-

Your Volvos , Toyotas

well you can have them-

Cuz they'll all be nothing

but piles of rust-

Long before Max's car's

turns to Sawdust!

The Wet/ Dry Blues

When I got your letter,

It broke my lonesome heart,

I covered it with tear stains

And I ripped it all apart.

I got so mad that I spit on it-

I was about to throw it out-

When just above the garbage can

I was overcome with doubt.

Is it wet or is it dry?

Somebody please tell me how I

Know if it goes in a green bag or a blue,

It's something I still do not get,

Is it dry or is it wet?

Tell me darling what am I supposed to do?

I was sad , I was confused,

And feeling sorry for myself.

How could you be so cruel

and leave me all alone in Guelph?

My heart's just like these old dead lightbulbs

and these worn out batteries.

It's got no place to go

Oh darling can't you help me please?

Here's what I'm going to do with you-

'Cause you threw our love away.

I'm going to wrap you in green plastic

And put you out on garbage day.

But they won't take you in the Wet-

if you're wearing clothes or shoes;

And when they haul away your sorry pink hide-

I'm going to lose these wet/dry blues.

The Hard Hat Stetson

When your last dogies get along,

And you've yodled yourlast cowboy song

And you figure that you've wrangled your last hoss;

You have ridden your last ride,

'Cause the lone prairie's downsized

Oh and you have been laid off by your trail boss.

When there's nothing left for you

But hangin' up that old lassoo;

When it's time for you to come in off the range.

You've got to mosey into town

Where the jobs are to be found,

But for an old cowpoke those city ways are strange.

The very first thing that they do,

To make a working man out of you-

You get this cissy-looking hard hat to wear.

So you politely say to them,

"Though we are reasonable men,

There are certain things a cowboy cannot bear".

"You can take his old six-shooters

Take his horse, his spurs, his boots or

You can have his bed-roll too, he won't mind that.

But he's never gonna part

With the thing that's closest to his heart,

Mister, you ain't gettin' near his cowboy hat.

But listen up you old cowhands fer

Now your prayer's have all been answered

By a man named Finstad out in Brooks Alberta,

'Cause if yer from the west an'

You just can't give up your stetson

Well his Western Outlaw Hat's the one that's fer ya.

It's a stetson and a hard hat too

So you can yodle-eh-dee-hoo,

And also meet those stringent safety codes.

So John Finstad here's a great big thanks

From all us Shorty's, Slims and Hanks,

Hats off to you now ti yi yippee yippee-ohhhhhh!

Cat Commercial

Listen Cats!

This message is for you-

Wanna Handle your human-

Here's what to do-

Every now and then you just purr a little-

Or Lick them with your sticky tongue-

Let them pet your fur a little-

It drives them wild- They're so dumb!

The Stupid Humans-

They are our slaves!

The Stupid Humans-

They are our slaves!

The Stupid Humans- they are such fools!

They don't know - that cats rule...

The world...

They will give you yummy fish-

Just let them think that they're supreme,

They'll give you anything you wish!

The human slaves will work all day-

While you lie in the sun-

They'll do this just as long as they-

Still think they're Number One!

For fun you can send them out-

To buy you food at the supermarket-

When they're gone

you can scratch their couch-

And pee on their carpet!

Fishin' for Ice

There's a right good breeze blowin' from off Iceberg Alley

Clear down through Conception Bay-

I'm off in the dory this mornin' my Sally-

Going to catch me a big one today!

We don't go ice fishin' in posh little huts-

We don't sit around holes on our mainlander's butts-

In Newfoundland Ice fishin' is much more nice,

'cause when we go ice fishin' we're fishin for ice...

'cause when we go ice fishin' we're fishin for ice.

When an iceberg comes in well we heads out to meet it

And we grabs us a chunk straight from Greenland-

Watch it bubble and fizz in your glass you can't beat it

The finest ice you've ever seen, and

We find if you give it

A little Glen Livit,

The flavour is sure to come out-

The more that you try it-

The more you will find that

You know what Ice Fishin's about.

Opera Singing Dog

Arthur Black he calls me up and asks me if I wanna

come and sing a song on his big show he's doing in Toronto-

I say "surely" he says "hey, don't call me Shirley" but if you'll

Come I'll put you on right after the amazing singing poodle"

If there's one rule that I've learned in this wierd entertainment biz-

It's never play on the same bill with singing animals or kids..

Because they always will upstage you, they will always steal the show,

But this was Arthur talking here so really how could I say no?

Chorus: She was a singing dog-an opera singing dog-

And I was just a human singing funny little songs

The press is waiting there as she arrives in a big limo

And they rush her into makeup 'cause her head's been out the window

And the dressing room fills up with her extensive entourage,

And her assistant reads her fan mail as she's getting a massage..

From a little silver bowl she's lapping decaf capacinos

And she's puffing on a Cuban that she lit up with a C-Note

And she's barking on the cellphone with her agent in L.A.-

They are working out a record deal, with movies on the way..

She walks onto the stage to waves of thunderous applause,

And she acknowledges her fans by simply raising up her paws,

And then she starts into Puccini with a sweet soprano "woof"-

And the audience goes wild, they are going through the roof-

She does a stunning encore and she takes a little bow ( wow)

The show's completely stolen and I really don't know how

I'm supposed to go out there with just a song and a guitar,

As she goes back to the dressing room for Kibble Caviar...

When the show is over she is mobbed out in the lobby

Everybody wants to shake the paw of that great diva doggy

Calls from Letterman and Leno, she is getting pretty big,

Though Gerry Springer wanted spaniels so I guess she lost that gig,

Maybe it was jealosy or maybe it was not-

But that prima donna pooch gave me the overwhelming thought

That Showbiz is too small for both of us to be a star-

So I grabbed her leash and took her to the street to chase some cars.

Now she's a former singing dog-a former opera singing dog-

And I am still a human singing funny little songs

I'm A Movie Guy

Hollywood movie- version one;

Rugged hero- handsome gun-

He's got the bad guys on the run,

But then;

Surprise! -They kidnap his girlfriend-

he's in a real mess,

And here's the part you'll never guess,

He finds their hide-out- blows it up and gets

His girl out- The End.

But I don't care if it's the film from hell, Oh-

I got a quart of something strange and yellow

On a tub of Popcorn big as P.E.I.,

Sticky Pepsi Floor beneath my feet,

Unidentified stains on my seat,

Blew twenty bucks but my life's complete-

I'm a movie kind of guy.

Hollywood movie - version two;

Young teens with attitude-

They call each other 'dude'

And they party all day.

They just wanna let their hormones run,

But bad guys from Movie One

Try to spoil all their fun,

But it works out O.K..

Hollywood Movie- version three,

Nice young white family,

On vacation they are going to see

Marineland!

Big Flash up in the sky,

Pretty wife screams, - cute kids cry-

But it's OK -it's a funny alien guy-

It's the Green Man!

Men Don't Clean Toilets ©James Gordon 1999

Since the dawn of civilization,

Since the age of Dinosaurs,

There's been constant aggravation,

While dividing household chores-

Women always did all of the work

And men did diddly squat-

but while they still are mostly jerks

They've improved an awful lot-

But...

Men don't clean toilets-

They don't even try-

Men don't clean toilets,

If they say they do they lie...

They've learned to use a vacuum, and

They'll even grocery shop.

And with a certain acumen

They've figured how to mop.

They'll use a feather duster

Change a diaper now and then,

But their new shine loses lustre

Dans la salle de bain!

Men don't clean toilets-

They don't even try-

Men don't clean toilets,

If they say they do they lie...

Those kinder, gentler men will do their share

They're now such sensitive souls

They'll attempt to keep things fair

But when it comes to toilet bowls

They'll never do it , women must

Admit complete defeat-

But they'd be happy if men just

Could put down the seat!

Men don't clean toilets-

They don't even try-

Men don't clean toilets,

If they did they'd surely die..

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