tunecootieslyrics.html

Here are the lyrics from the "Tune Cooties" Cd... in the order in which they appear on the album..

All songs published by Pipe Street Publishing ( SOCAN)

We're Canadians, And We're Sorry ©James Gordon 2001

All across this great dominion

We don't like to have opinions

We'd sooner just agree with yours,

We wouldn't want to get,

The neighbours too upset,

We're a mouse that never roars

It's always been the same old story,

We're Canadians and we're sorry

Much too modest to be bold,

We're good at doing what we're told

Time for us to stand up and be ignored!

The weather's harsh but we're so mild

We were born not to be wild,

We haven't shouted since Henderson scored,

It's always been the same old story,

We're Canadians and we're sorry

We're so sorry it's pathetic

Sorry about being apologetic

Sorry about being sorry all the time

Sorry about being so nice

Sorry about being indecisive,

(at least we think we are, but we can't make up our minds )

We're all such modest entities,

Never sure of our identity

Never wanting to offend,

What we do we do politely,

Except for hockey nightly,

We just want to be your friend.

It's always been the same old story,

We're Canadians and we're sorry

Though we're big we think we're little

We like to stay close to the middle,

It's scary on the left and the right.

We'd rather be safe AND sorry

You can keep the glory

We'd rather pick guitars than pick a fight.

It's always been the same old story,

We're Canadians and we're sorry

We're so sorry it's pathetic

Sorry about being apologetic

Sorry about being sorry all the time

Sorry about being so nice

Sorry about being indecisive,

(at least we think we are, but we can't make up our minds )

It's always been the same old story,

We're Canadians and we're sorry

Piece of the King ©James Gordon 2001

There's a sacred toenail clipping, Joni keeps it in a jar,

A priceless memento of her favourite star

She keeps that jar in her living room on top of the TV-

And she watches it and wonders where that precious toenail's been

Jonie Nabe the Elvis Babe

Elvis is her thing.

She's got herself a little piece of the king.

She found it down at Graceland, hidden in the deep shag carpet-

She wonders if it once was in a movie with Ann-Margret.

She wonders if it spent some time stuck in a sweaty sock-

When the king was singing the Jailhouse Rock.

Jonie Nabe the Elvis Babe

Elvis is her thing.

She's got herself a little piece of the king.

When Elvis left the building, that toenail may have gone first-

It was tapping away when Elvis and the Jordannaires rehearsed.

It was onstage in Vegas when he said "Thankyou, Thankyou very much"-

Priscilla may have said to him "That's rough to the touch"

Jonie Nabe the Elvis Babe

Elvis is her thing.

She's got herself a little piece of the king.

That toenail may have been inside those famous blue-suede shoes-

It may have got all shook up, when Elvis sang the blues.

Joni wonders if it's all right, mama, If it's all right-

But she gets that toenail out when she feels 'Lonesome tonight'-

Jonie Nabe the Elvis Babe

Elvis is her thing.

She's got herself a little piece of the king.

There are those that spend their lives in search of wisdom and truth-

Some are out there looking for the fountain of youth-

There are some that search the world to find the Holy Grail-

But Joni thinks that's nothing - she's got Elvis' nail.

Jonie Nabe the Elvis Babe, Elvis is her thing.

She's got herself a little piece of the king.

It's In the Middle! ( Winnipeg)-- ©James Gordon 2002

OK- maybe there's no mosquito shortage,

And it gets a bit breezy down at Main and Portage,

Our weather gets a bit extreme,

But Winnipeg's every Canadian's dream...

(WHY?) cuz...

It's in the middle! (Winnipeg!)It's in the middle! (Winnipeg!)

Not too big, ( not too big) and not too little! ( not too little )

Not on the left, ( not on the left), not on the right ( not on the right)

It's where Canadians like it- at center ice

It's in the middle- Winnipeg's in the middle!

At the edge of town you got yer tall grass prairie-

Two seasons, winter and 'road repair', we

Got yer Royal Mint, got yer old Ft. Garry-

right in the middle, right in the middle

Got yer Golden Boy, got yer Guess Who too,

Got yer Neil Young, got yer Winnie the Pooh-

Got yer two big rivers running through,

Right through the middle, right through the middle,

Got bugs in the summer Got mud in the spring

At Birds Hill Park, hear the folkies sing.

Winnipeg has everything

It's in the middle , it's in the middle

Vancouver's too hip, edmonton's too square,

Saskatoon's OK if you got long underwear,

St. John's is kinda rocky, Halifax has got no hockey,

Montreal's naughty-

Toronto's kinda haughty-

But it's safe in the center come to Manitoba

Where it's far enough away from either coast ya

Know you'll love it - "Embrace the Spirit"-

Come to Winnipeg-- Come on let's hear it!

Spleen Readin' Man ©James Gordon 2001

Just a plain-spoken farmer from Saskatchewan

from over Tompkins way,

Gus Wigstrom's got something that you'll wanna

Know about, folks say...

When Gus says there's gonna be snow,

I'll be damned if it doesn't do it,

How is it that Gus knows?

What is the trick to it?

You might think that Gus

Is just foolin' us,

But he's more accurate than any meteorologists.

He's almost never

Been wrong about the weather-

And he does it just by reading Pigs Guts!

Well old Gus is quite a clever man

Just by looking at a pig's spleen,

He is the finest weatherman

That you have ever seen

When he says "look out for flood waters"!

That's advice that outa be took,

Cause when Gus gets a big hog slaughtered

He can read it like a book

Spleen Readin' Man,

Give Him A Hand

Spleen Readin' Man

Forget those fancy city guys

With their big radar screens

Gus knows what's up in the western skies

Just from readin' spleens

Yes he plays a major part in

The Pig Spleen Reading Profession

I wonder if he opened up Paul Martin

Could he predict the end of the recession?

Spleen Readin' Man,

Give Him A Hand

Spleen Readin' Man

Hey- look at that guy - he's got more than 8 items-

What's he doing in the express check-out lane?

You don't get away with nine,

When I'm behind you in line-

Mister I am going to make you pay!

This is not a shopping cart- it's a battleship-

And I'm her captain as I'm sailing down the aisles.

It's been a hard day on the job-

I need my burgers and corn on the cob-

Till I've got them, ladies, don't get me riled!

Look-out for me-- 'cause I'm just like you-

Like every modern suburbanite I'm stressed out too-

Don't get in my way

It's a sign of the new age-

These are the days- of Supermarket Rage...

I'm not the worst guy you'd ever want to meet ( that's Fresh Meat!)

I got an artichoke heart and a fillet of soul-

But don't you make me late-

This milk is near it's expiry date-

Come on let's rock, I need these dinner rolls

If you see me at the deli counter-

Don't mess with me or I'm liable to lose it

Don't try jumping your number-

I've got a loaded cucumber-

And mister I am not afraid to use it-

If you see me in the produce section

Head in the other direction-

When I'm stalking up on celery-

If you find me in Bulk foods-

I turn into the Hulk there, dudes,

I'm the terror of the A & P

Well I'm just a regular white bread kind of guy

Like American cheese. I'm pretty mild mostly

But there's only so much I can take

When I'm shopping for Corn Flakes

I'm a cereal killer when I'm getting groceries

Why Does the Newt Cross the Road? ©James Gordon 2001

There's a question, that's been on my mind today.

What makes the newt cross the road, anyway?

If nothing could kill me, except maybe a car,

I wouldn't be inclined to leave, I wouldn't travel that far

Tell me I've got to know,

Why does a newt cross the road?

Maybe their afraid that witches want their eyes,

Deaf and mute, maybe those poor newts, are just lonely guys...

Whatever it is that they eat, their must be lots on their own side,

What makes them meet, by the Newt-Crossing sign?

Tell me I've got to know,

Why does a newt cross the road?

Maybe the slimy secretions from their poisonous glands are

What makes those tailed amphibious creatures salameandar-

The ones found in Canada are generally fairly little;

Maybe so many get killed, 'cause like good Canadians,

They're just trying to get to the middle!

Tell me I've got to know,

Why does a newt cross the road?

Dale, The Mystery Plumber © James Gordon 2002

As a plumber in Lethbridge

Well Dale's quite adept, which

Apparently isn't that rare, out there...

So he needed an angle

Some way he could wrangle

A larger market share

Soon Dale found a way

That made people say "Hey!

At plumbing that guy's quite unique!"

When there's something to plumb

They like guys who will come

Dressed as Elvis to stop up your leak!

He's Dale-- The mystery plumber

One fun-loving fix-it guy,

You never know what he'll wear

When he's doing repairs,

But the mystery to me's really 'why'?

If there's a flood on your floor

He'll show up at your door

In something from Elton John's Closet

Or I have heard tell he

will dress like Gene Kelly

And do a tap dance round your faucet.

He'll dress like a G.I. and

He'll even do Streisand

'Cause she's got a great set of pipes.

Then he'll unclog a drain

With his best John Wayne

To prove he's the manly type...

He'll be Austen Powers

While fixing your showers

Or Batman while keeping things flowin'

And as Harry Potter

He's a wizard with water,

You should see his Sylvester Stallone...

When he's toilet fixin'

His impression of Nixon

Is something you won't want to miss

And while writing your cheque

For his work you'll expect

To see Dale as Gene Simmons from Kiss!

He's Dale-- The mystery plumber

One fun-loving fix-it guy,

You'll never know what he'll wear

When he's doin' repairs,

But the mystery to me-

What I don't really see

Is just what made him think

He should fix someone's sink

Dressed up like some famous fellas-

Is there something dale's trying to tell us?

What's the matter with overalls, guy?

The mystery to me's really why!

Chicken Poop For the Soul ©James Gordon 2002

I don't like to be a henny penny

But the sky will fall real fast-

If we can't find any

Alternatives to gas-

But there's a feller in Virginia who's found a way

To save our environment-

All it's going to take

is a little chicken excrement

Pull up to the henhouse, tell them to fill 'er up-

With a tankful of Rhode Island Red in your truck

It may have a fowl odour,

But chicken poop'll run your motor-

You can head down the highway and hear that engine cluck!

We won't need those supertankers-

with those nasty oilspills

If you see a clucking pooper, thank her-

For curing our oceans' ills

We won't have to risk our necks on-

Those awful fossil fuels-

We can say good-bye to Exxon-

Cuz Chicken-power ruels!

Chorus:

I believe some day you might find-

That just by using chicken feces

George bush wouldn't need his pipelines-

The world would be at peace we'd

Use Chicken poop instead of coal

A big cheer for the chicks!

Chicken poop for the soul

Our problems will be fixed!

Chorus:

Surfer Street Kids ©James Gordon 2002

We were minding our own business going through the dumpster out

behind Harveys..

When four happy-looking surfer kids, pulled up in a great big R.V...

They said they were doing random acts of kindness,

And they wondered if we wouldn't mind if

We had fun fun fun till the bus took us back to the alley.

Well they loaded us all up and we all headed on out to the beach now,

For those guys it must have been some kind of community outreach now,

They said they'd teach us surfing skills,

cuz us street kids had a lot of time to kill

and we had fun fun fun till the bus took us back to the alley.

They said we wouldn't feel so down and out when

We were on a surfboard hangin' ten,

forget about begging for our food,

Cuz today we all are surfer dudes!

Well us homeless guys are hip, you'll really dig the styles we wear,

that coastline craze is the latest rage, since we got kicked off welfare.

Let's go surfin' now, everybody's learning how...

We've got no place to sleep tonight, and we haven't got a thing to eat now,

But we're lying in the sun, just soaking up the summer heat now,

walking the nose and shootin' the pier,

And there's no rats out here,

And we had fun fun fun till the bus took us back to the alley.

We've been saved, well praise the lord!

We've got no room but we've got board,

Too bad that we have to go back,

When there's waves to ride, and boards to wax!

fun fun fun.....repeat

Jello Girl ©James Gordon 2002

She's so cute and quick and easy,

I love the way she quivers when it gets breezy,

She melts in my arms, she's just like rubber,

They broke the mold when they made her, I think I love 'er.

She's my jello girl-

My bright and yellow girl-

She makes me feel so mellow,

I'm her little marshmellow,

With a whipped cream swirl

She makes me a happy fellow,

Honey can't you tell, oh

I'm sweet on my jello girl

Break-

And if you knew her-

You'd see right through her-

She's got nothing to hide-

She's got no skeleton

She's made out of gelatin,

When she's cold she makes me feel warm inside-

that's why she's my-

Ch-

I guess you'd think the less of me

If I didn't share my secret recipe..

Just add a little love and stir

That's how I found her

Yes when she's warm.

She lacks a little form,

But oh, when she sets

She's a little fruity,

My gelatinous beauty-

She's as good as it gets-

(Chorus)

Tune Cooties ©JAMES GORDON 2002

Stick in your head-

( this song is gonna )-

Stick in your head-

( this song is gonna )-

Stick in your head-

Tooti Frutti-- all rooty

It's my duty

To try to give you

Tune Cooties..

Tune Cooties...

Just doing what the professor said-

To get a tune stuck in your head-

It's got to be simple, it's got to be dumb

Lots of repetition- make your mind numb..

Got to use an irregular rhythm,

If you want those tunes to really stick with 'em...

Stick in your head-

( this song is gonna )-

Stick in your head-

( this song is gonna )-

Stick in your head-

Tooti Frutti-- all rooty

It's my duty

To try to give you

Tune Cooties..

Tune Cooties...

To make you scratch your cognitive itch

it's got have an auditory property which

Will be just annoying enough

That forgetting it will be too tough-

But you won't remember this verse

So let's go back to the part that sticks the worst...

Chorus a coupla times

Snowflakes and Raindrops and Pretty Girl's Smiles

©J.Gordon 2002

I don't seek possessions or things that will last,

I don't want remembrances of our dark past

I want to capture a moment so pure and so fleet

That it's gone in a hummingbird's single heart beat.

So I've made myself this little collection

Of the things that come closest to simple perfection,

Ask me to show you what's good in life, I'll

show you snowflakes and raindrops and pretty girl's smiles

snowflakes and raindrops and pretty girl's smiles.

There just an instant then they disappear,

Without knowing heartbreak, without knowing fear

Gone before time takes its toll, they can take

Their leave without feeling this weary world's ache,

So I've made myself this little collection

Of the things that come closest to simple perfection,

Ask me to show you what's good in life, I'll

show you snowflakes and raindrops and pretty girl's smiles

snowflakes and raindrops and pretty girl's smiles.

They cannot be bought or sold,

Cannot grow to be old,

Cannot get bitter or jaded.

Not here long enough

To turn callous and tough,

Never diminished or faded..

So I've made myself this little collection

Of the things that come closest to simple perfection,

Ask me to show you what's good in life, I'll

show you snowflakes and raindrops and pretty girl's smiles

snowflakes and raindrops and pretty girl's smiles.

When we all heard the news we cried- "say it ain't so!"-

We're losing our favourite CBC host!

Arthur when you go,

There'll be a big hole in the radio,

But you know what I'm gonna miss the most?

This was the only regular paycheck I ever had!

Losing it is gonna make me sad.

I still can't believe you paid me money,

Just for being funny,

Your show was so unique,

And so was getting paid each week!

This was the only regular paycheck I ever had!

And though I'm not trying to make you feel bad,

When you ride into the sunset pardner,

I'm gonna have to fire my gardener,

Arthur we had lots of laughs,

Now I'm laying off my publicity staff,

I'm going to have to let my personal trainer go,

And little Timmy's operation will have to wait you know,

Things will never be the same

Now that Arthur's gravy train

Is at the end of the line,

Arthur, I hate to whine

but

This was the only regular paycheck I ever had!

How am I gonna tell my mom and dad,

I used to boast that your show paid me,

For what I do naturally, for free!

Arthur I am going to miss,

Writing stupid songs like this

I know you've got places to go, and weird homes to see,

But and then just think of poor ol' me.

Once you have retired,

Who else would ever hire

A guy who likes to sings

About Socks and Sweaters and toilets and things

You say you need a change, you need something more,

Well I'll be singing for change outside the liquor store!

And when they toss me their spare money,

I'll cry "I used to be somebody!"

I was a real contender then,

Before it all had to end!

This was the only regular paycheck

Arthur, what can i say, heck-

It was the only regular paycheck

I ever had!

AND THE BONUS TRACKS:

The Humline Song

Busted flat in Baton Rouge,

West Virginia,

With a dollar in my hand.

I'm sitting in a railway station,

Waitin for a train,

I'm not sleepy and there ain't no place I'm going to ,

Take me home, where the music's playin'.

Home, where the deer and the antelope play,

I'm the train they call the City Of New Orleans,

Where I'm bound I can't tell,

But the good times they're all gone,

And I'll follow the sun.

And then I looked around me,

At those grey walls that surround me,

And all ready I'm so lonesome I could cry-

I've looked at love from both sides now,

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,

Well it's hard, but it's harder to ignore it,

The answer my friend, it's blowin' in the wind,

And Rock-a-bye sweet Baby James.

Dear Rover

Dear Rover, it's all over,

In the morning I expect you to be gone-

I won't quibble-

Keep all the kibble-

And that plastic carrot you liked chewing on.

Though I tried so hard to make it work between us -dog gone it -

Everything that was important to me you peed on it!

Dear Rover, It's all over-

'Cause time and time again I begged you please-

To do something

About your leg humpin'

And to get treatment for your worms and ticks and fleas.

I thought that what we had was more than only Puppy Love-

When I reached out to you all that you did was eat my glove!

Dear Rover ,it's all over,

I've grown weary of those bitches you drag home;

Though I adored you,

That Labrador who

Lives around the corner's gettin' all your bones.

Though I appreciated it when you'd bring me dead squirrels,

It's time that I moved on to try relationships with girls!

Dear Rover, it's all over,

I'm only human and your only hound-

I'd take you for walkies,

But we never talked we'd

Only bark- I'm taking you back to the pound.

Opera Singing Dog

Arthur Black he calls me up and asks me if I wanna

come and sing a song on his big show he's doing in Toronto-

I say "surely" he says "hey, don't call me Shirley" but if you'll

Come I'll put you on right after the amazing singing poodle"

If there's one rule that I've learned in this wierd entertainment biz-

It's never play on the same bill with singing animals or kids..

Because they always will upstage you, they will always steal the show,

But this was Arthur talking here so really how could I say no?

Chorus: She was a singing dog-an opera singing dog-

And I was just a human singing funny little songs

The press is waiting there as she arrives in a big limo

And they rush her into makeup 'cause her head's been out the window

And the dressing room fills up with her extensive entourage,

And her assistant reads her fan mail as she's getting a massage..

From a little silver bowl she's lapping decaf capacinos

And she's puffing on a Cuban that she lit up with a C-Note

And she's barking on the cellphone with her agent in L.A.-

They are working out a record deal, with movies on the way..

She walks onto the stage to waves of thunderous applause,

And she acknowledges her fans by simply raising up her paws,

And then she starts into Puccini with a sweet soprano "woof"-

And the audience goes wild, they are going through the roof-

She does a stunning encore and she takes a little bow ( wow)

The show's completely stolen and I really don't know how

I'm supposed to go out there with just a song and a guitar,

As she goes back to the dressing room for Kibble Caviar...

When the show is over she is mobbed out in the lobby

Everybody wants to shake the paw of that great diva doggy

Calls from Letterman and Leno, she is getting pretty big,

Though Gerry Springer wanted spaniels so I guess she lost that gig,

Maybe it was jealosy or maybe it was not-

But that prima donna pooch gave me the overwhelming thought

That Showbiz is too small for both of us to be a star-

So I grabbed her leash and took her to the street to chase some cars.

Now she's a former singing dog-a former opera singing dog-

And I am still a human singing funny little songs

Men Don't Clean Toilets ©James Gordon 1999

Since the dawn of civilization,

Since the age of Dinosaurs,

There's been constant aggravation,

While dividing household chores-

Women always did all of the work

And men did diddly squat-

but while they still are mostly jerks

They've improved an awful lot-

But...

Men don't clean toilets-

They don't even try-

Men don't clean toilets,

If they say they do they lie...

They've learned to use a vacuum, and

They'll even grocery shop.

And with a certain acumen

They've figured how to mop.

They'll use a feather duster

Change a diaper now and then,

But their new shine loses lustre

Dans la salle de bain!

Men don't clean toilets-

They don't even try-

Men don't clean toilets,

If they say they do they lie...

Those kinder, gentler men will do their share

They're now such sensitive souls

They'll attempt to keep things fair

But when it comes to toilet bowls

They'll never do it , women must

Admit complete defeat-

But they'd be happy if men just

Could put down the seat!

Men don't clean toilets-

They don't even try-

Men don't clean toilets,

If they did they'd surely die..

Sweaters for Penguins

A woman in Salt Lake City started a volunteer knitting circle to knit sweaters for penguins who had lost their own protective layer of natural oils due to oil spills in the Antarctic. It's a cult movement now. People all over the continent are knitting away, though I can't figure out why the sweaters don't drown the poor creatures when they get wet! Even though in the song I gently suggest that there might be more useful things to do with one's spare time,this ditty has become a kind of knitter's anthem since its' first broadcast.

The Ladies and I used to always do our bit-

when the boys were over there-

For the cause we all would knit-

them socks and underwear-

Well it's been a trifle slow-

since they all came home you know-

But now we've found something new to show we really care!

We're making....

Sweaters For Penguins!

It does wonders for their self esteem,

Sweaters For Penguins!

In the colours of their favourite hockey team

Sweaters For Penguins!

Everybody shout hooray!

You wanna have some nice clothes

Sitting on those ice floes-

Sweaters for penguins today!

Sweaters For Penguins!

So life for them won't be so black and white,

Sweaters For Penguins!

So they'll feel less formal going out at night-

Sweaters For Penguins!

Everybody shout hooray!

The world will be better

When every penguin has a sweater

Knit a Sweater For a Penguin today!

Some spend all their efforts fighting hunger and disease-

some devote their time to saving whales or hugging trees-

We feel that those endeavors have volunteers enough-

So we work to keep poor penguins from remaining in the buff--

Sweaters For Penguins!

With V-Necks that fit over their beaks,

Sweaters for Penguins,

Or a Cardigan is so Antarctic Chic!

Sweaters For Penguins

'Cause it gets pretty cold down there,

Sweaters For Penguins!

They need good British wool to wear,

Sweaters For Penguins!

Everybody shout hooray!

And maybe matching slippers

for their chilly little flippers

Knit a sweater for a penguin today!

Donut Life

Arthur had a guest on who had done a learned study about the Canadian Donut shop culture. I have often thought that the donut was a perfect metaphor for modern life- so here's my little timbit of a musical contribution:

Donut boys, donut girls,

Rolling around in a donut world.

Empty in the middle, soft outside,

Lardy lard it's a donut life.

Nothing in our donut brains

But Maple Dips and Old-fashioned Plains;

All I wanna do every donut day,

Is Apple-fritter it all away,

I don't care if the planet's dyin'

Just give me a raised Hawaiian,

Walnut Crullers, Boston Cream,

Dream our little donut dreams,

We all like to spend our days,

Walking around in a chocolate glaze,

Ain't we cute, now we're all sportin'

Doughy little bellies from Timothy Horton.

Five Penis Wine

Look, I don't make this stuff up, OK? There is apparently a kind of wine in China made from the penises of five different animals. That seemed pretty songworthy to me!

You've got that special lady, oh-

Sinatra's on the radio-

the moon is bright,

the mood's just right,

the stars are all aligned..

Romance is in the air,

Perfume is in her hair,

You think it might

be your lucky night

but what about the wine?

Merlot has quite a fine bouquet,

Likewise Bordeaux and cabernet,

Rose goes well with candlelight-

But nothing says Amore like...

Five Penis Wine,

There's nothing finer,

It comes all the way from China,

It's the fruit of a different vine,

Nothing says love quite like Five Penis Wine.

Fermented genitalia,

Will cure whatever ails ya..

don't hesitate,

Impress your date,

With something from your cellar,

that's made from dog and sheep and snake,

and ox and horse, make sure she takes

a good long sip,

and soon her lips

will make you a happy feller...

Last Call At The Cyber Saloon

There's a website that you can visit that lets you watch other people drink in pubs all around the world. For ten bucks you can even buy someone there a beer and they might even talk to you on-line. Somethingto do while knitting penguin sweaters I guess.

I used to think I was a loser,

I thought that I lived my life wrong;

A solitary boozer,

Till beer.com came along.

Now I've found a way of escaping

Those long lonely nights in my room,

Now I just go netscaping,

Down at the Cyber Saloon.

Last Call down at the Cyber Saloon,

Everyone's feeling all right,

Download one last virtual brew,

We've shared many RAMs of good memory tonight.

They called me an internet junkie,

They called me a nerdy freak.

It was just me and my sea monkeys,

Alone, every night of the week.

But now I know I'll never be bored,

My wallflower days are at an end,

Long as I don't spill beer on my keyboard,

I've always got friend.

Tonight I took an on-line trip,

To a pub on the Emerald Isle,

We shared a pint and some micro-chips,

And exchanged dot parenthesis smiles.

I heard old drunken men swapping stories,

And I winked at a girl with red hair,

When I spoke to her she just ignored me,

Just as if I was actually there!

So thank God and Bill Gates and the World Wide Web,

For this lonesome guy's re-birth.

Don't get a life get a modem , then ev-

ery geek shall inherit the earth!

Gypsy Sock

I wrote this song way back in 1992, but never got around to recording it until now. It was recorded by my friend and family entertainer hero Al Simmons, and Arthur has played Al's version a loton the show. The song seems to have been partially responsible for the sock craze that swept basic Black recently.

I don't like being worn,

That's all I've been since I was born,

Toenails cut like a knife,

It's a sad sock's life,

I don't wanna be stuffed in a drawer,

Or stuck in someone's smelly shoe anymore,

I don't want a sticky foot in me,

I just want to be free, free, free.

I want to run with the wild hose,

Where pens and pencils and guitar picks go,

I want to dance at the free sock hop,

I want to be a gypsy sock

I don't want to be part of a pair,

Or in the wash with dirty underwear,

Or tickled by some yucky toes,

Or made to walk where socks don't like to go,

Like hanging from a line by my heel,

Or getting darned , I hate the way that feels,

Or getting stretched across a knobby knee,

I want to be free, free, free

Gypsy sock, gypsy sock, I want to be a Gypsy sock.

Someday soon I'll get my chance,

I will hide inside a pair of pants,

When they open up the dryer door,

I'll escape across the laundry floor,

Then I'll be out on the street,

Not attached to a pair of feet,

Free as the nose that blows,

I will be free to go

Line Dancers from Outer Space

This is from a story related to Arthurby Tabloid-guy Harold Fisk, so you know it must be true!

We landed in Des Moines

We'd been ordered to join

In and learn the earthlings ways-

Our great leader had stated

We should be assimilated-

Before we make the humans our slaves--

We perfected the lingo-

We learned to play bingo,

We got jobs preparing fast food ( "Want fries with that")

Though we were reluctant to try it-

We adopted their diet

Of donuts and barbecue.

Things went quite well,

Though we could soon tell,

What we needed, to fit in just right-

We must master the art

Most dear to their hearts-

Line-dancing on Saturday nights.

We heard that the best in

Line-dancing lessons

Was one Miss Beverley Trout,

We went to her class

Thinking any half-assed

Dancing alien could figure it out.

All in a line,

We were doing just fine.

We danced to Reba and Billy-Ray

( but maybe cuz we )

didn't have enough toes,

We didn't wear the right clothes-

Something gave us away-

She said "OK- you've got the boots

And nice new western suits-

But one thing is perfectly clear-

Maybe it's cuz you're blue,

And you got three eyes, but you,

Just don't look like you're from around here-

Maybe 'cause our necks were not really red

Ok- so we didn't have necks-

But whatever it was Beverley stopped us and said

"Boys" your cover is wrecked!

We slipped out in the dark

To our ship at the Trailer Park

We blasted back in to space-

And that's how a line-dancing instructor from Iowa,

Saved the human race....

Dear Mr. Guinness

Arthur had a guest on talking about world records, and it occurred to me that there were a number of categories that the Guinness people had left out..

Dear Mr. Guinness

I read your whole book;

There's some good stuff in it,

But when I looked,

Most of it really just wasn't for me,

Here's the kind of world records that I'd like to see:

The most