Life Decisions

Many times, before taking marriage vows, people have second thoughts. These indecisive moments are frequently dismissed as "cold feet". Friends and relatives all add to the pressure.

One's fears should not be so dismissed. Fear always has a purpose. Small gestures and nuances can add up to one's impressions of a person. Often a liar and cheat can maintain a front for years. One tends to give the benefit of any doubt in the favour of a person one hopes to marry.

Here are some anecdotes to illustrate the many years of unhappiness which can follow a marriage to an unsuitable partner. These people must have been very much "in love" or "in lust" at the time of their marriages. One wonders whether they had "cold feet":

"Brains have very little to do with relationships. For twenty-six years, I lived with a man who had numerous girlfriends and an excuse for all occasions. He was a pathological liar and made me think I was insane for doubting his fidelity. When I finally hired a private detective and discovered what he really did, my first thought was 'well, at least I'm not crazy.'

When I confronted him, he said "I never was unfaithful to you. I did see other women, but I never was in love with any of them". Then, he insisted that the man the detective had videotaped in HIS car, wearing HIS clothes and kissing HIS girlfriend, was not really him. It was someone who LOOKED like him.

After that my husband consented to go to counseling with me. After three sessions, he decided he was cured and refused to continue. I stayed in therapy for three years. I then had the strength to divorce him".

Another story illustrates a similar scenario:

"Following his infidelity, I had hoped to be able to forgive my husband and continue with our relationship: I took my husband for some counseling - three months' worth of one-hour sessions, twice a week, at $150.00. a visit. I cried and he cried. He apologized and swore he would never cheat on me again.

Eight weeks after the birth of our daughter, he was back with the other woman. And, do you know what he called her? His 'platonic friend'. When I insisted that he tell me why they had checked into a motel (I found the receipt), he said: 'I was only testing you to find out if you trusted me'. He swore that nothing had happened between them. That is when I divorced him and never looked back.

No amount of counseling can remove the hurt of betrayal, but it did help me understand the dynamics of an unfaithful man".

Another sad story illustrates the crisis many men undergo after 40. The "little red sportcar" and woman friend, usually in her 20s. The wife is told that she is becoming old and unattractive, letting herself go - anything to undermine her self-esteem and justify the infidelity. What is really happening is that the male is losing his masculinity and is frantically trying to redeem his own youth:

"My husband turned 40 and decided he needed to 'get more out of life". He said that he wanted more excitement and he wasn't getting enough sex. Well, I would have liked more excitement, too (translate that into more sex), but he was the one who chose to work 60 hours a week on the night shift. When he came home at 8 a.m. I had to pack a couple of lunches, get two kids off to school and go to my own job. Did he make an effort to help out?! He can't even tell you how much money the kids need to buy milk at school or the names of any of their teachers.

I suggested marriage counseling, but he said he didn't believe in it. The next thing I knew, he left me for a 22-year-old with whom he worked. Three days after he moved in with her, he called me and cried. He said he'd made a big mistake and asked if he could come back home. I told him NO.

My ex-husband's girl-friend is now suing him for sexual harassment in the workplace. He said he wanted more excitement in his life and he's getting it.

Return to Life Stories

Return to home-page of OFICSERV computer office services.