Talk about a mess. I just found out what happens to people who don't listen to their mothers. I was sitting in my doctor's waiting room for a checkup and in comes this woman who looks like something the cat dragged in.

Good heavens, I said to her. What happened to you?

I didn't listen to my mother when I was growing up, that's what happened to me. Don't you know what can happen to you when you don't listen to your mother? I do now. The first thing that happened was when I was 7 years old I crossed my eyes and they froze that way. See? They're stuck like that. My mother always told me that would happen, but I didn't listen.

But why are you wearing a neck brace?

Oh that, I was horsing around when I was 10. My mother always told me if I didn't stop horsing around I'd break my neck and sure enough, she was right. I should have listened to her.

But some of these other problems. That couldn't be because you didn't listen to your mother. I mean, what about all that hair on your legs?

Look, didn't your mother ever tell you if you start shaving your legs too early it will come back twice as thick and hairy?

Yes, of course. All mothers tell their daughters that.

Well, they know what they're talking about. Now I look like a monkey, just like my mother said I would.

But your head is bald. How did that happen?

My mother told me my hair would dry up and break off if I washed it more than twice a week. I tried it once, and that was that. I'm telling you it's amazing how much that woman knew.

What happened to your lips? They don't have any color in them.

I wore lipstick too young. My mother warned me that they'd fade if I started wearing lipstick before 16, but I didn't believe her. You can see the results. They just disappeared.

Good grief, why didn't you listen to her?

I wish I had. You don't know the half of it. I sat on cold cement steps once, even though my mother warned me they'd give me hemorrhoids. And then I went to bed with wet hair one night. You can probably guess what happened.

You got pneumonia, right?

Yup. And then there was the brain infection I got from popping pimples on my face. And I have a constant cold in my stomach from eating ice. I'm telling you, that woman predicted every one of these things. It's amazing.

What's that picture you have there?

That's the child in India whose starvation I'm responsible for. My mother told me I should clean my plate because children were starving in India, but I didn't think it would have such a direct effect if I left my vegetables.

I'm telling you, it's incredible you're still alive yourself.

I almost didn't make it, especially the time I didn't wait two hours after eating to go swimming. I went an hour and a half and, sure enough, I got cramps and drowned for a while.

Didn't you listen to anything your mother said?

Sure I did. I never ran with a pencil. Otherwise I would have poked my eye out.

But why are you here at the doctor's office now?

I left the house without putting on clean underwear. Sure enough, I got in an accident just like my mother said. Boy, will she be embarrassed when she finds out I got run over wearing dirty underwear.